As the result of a young man’s remarks about the unlikelihood of long-term romantic love, I have been giving that some serious thought. I have been married to my second husband, Norm, for 25 years…I love him deeply, but equally important, I am in love with him…and he with me (so he says). What are the components of this phenomenon? Not to be too analytical, but to consider this question, here is what I think contributes to it:
Sexual turn-on that doesn’t abate
Respect for each other’s intelligence
Commonality of interests and values
Complementary personality balance
Quick forgiveness, generosity and imagination
To expand a bit on the fourth and fifth concepts: Norm complements my spirited, often volatile behavior with his calm, accepting attitude.
I complain about petty things, like his chipping dishes, or leaving drawers and cabinet doors open. He smiles and continues his habits, which in turn teaches me to be more accepting. He tends to look at ultimates, a need to be prepared for the worst, rather than live in the moment. I trust that I (and he) have the capacity to handle what life delivers, without anticipating that the sky will fall. These opposing traits bring a welcome balance to our relationship.
Quick forgiveness: when we differ, which we occasionally do, neither of us will hold on to our ruffled feelings. The need to love supercedes the need to be right. Our chief disagreement centers around movies.
Norm is a severe critic of anything trite or banal. His own quick, witty mind rejects the expected. I tend to be more tolerant. My criteria tend to focus on the emotional and visual aspects of a film. Going back to concept number two: respect for each other’s intelligence.
I think we bring that into play in our disagreements.
Generosity: Appreciation expressed…for our creative work, offering genuine interest in each other’s thoughts and pursuits. Giving without a tit-for-tat expectation.
Imagination: Norm excels in this department. Not only does he bring his imagination into our daily life together (we are both retired), but he comes up with delightful, romantic ideas for us to pursue…places to go, things to see. We’ve traveled to Europe 11 times…but now that my walking is somewhat limited, we confine ourselves to more domestic adventures. My appreciation for his talents is my contribution to the mix. Both of us love imaginative writing, both as readers and as writers. Also, a very important aspect that both keeps us young in spirit and aware of perspective is humor. We laugh together a lot…see the absurdity in things…and of course, Norm’s wit is sheer delight.
